Thursday, November 07, 2013
Wow. Being in a relationship is.... tiring. Stressful.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually not ready for one. I guess I'm still not independent/confident enough. Or is it because we haven't been together for long?
Do those things matter? Does his past matter? I''m a clubber (or used to be) myself. The crappy past I had is ten times worse than his. But does it mean that I don't love him? Does it mean that I won't change my habits? No. He probably feels the same way as me, slightly insecure. We're all human. We all make mistakes. I should not try to expect him to be a perfect person. Yes it may turn me off to find out more about his past, but I should embrace his mistakes even if it may hurt, then move on from there. Avoiding it altogether would not work. ...Or will it? I don't know. Should I pretend and just act as if there is nothing on my mind? Because I'm pretty sure talking about it makes me think about it more and feel even more upset. But my subconscious knows it. Which is the less painful way out?
Hey look.
I'm only human. Don't blame yourself for having self doubt. Don't blame yourself for over-thinking. It is only human. Don't blame him for having a non-perfect past. It's okay to make mistakes, it's okay to be wrong. It's okay to have mood swings once in a while. I don't have to beat myself up over it.
It's okay to procrastinate. It's okay to be lazy. It's okay if you aren't going to get an A. Or B. It's fine to get a C. Embrace changes, embrace mistakes and learn from it.
People.. and God. Will still love you even if you're imperfect. Don't be afraid to let your loved one get to know you more, even of your flaws.
I just realised something. Me and my bestfriend (I hope she's not reading this right now :/) are starting to drift apart, and it's not just because we're both busy. It's because she matters too much to me and I'm afraid for her to find out the things that I'm afraid she'll judge me for. Am I crazy? (nono. no self blaming again. it's okay!) We are best friends for 7 years now. Why would she judge me? If she does, then she's not worth staying by me anyway. Remember how she went through with me in my teenage years when I was rash and ran away from home.
God wants You to know app says this:
Today, Jesslin, we believe God wants you to know that ...
living your life as good as you are able to, is good enough.
You don't need to be superhuman, and you don't need to be perfect. Simply live the best you can, and God will take care of the rest.
So yes... Do that I shall. Don't fret. Things will be fine. I am strong enough to handle whatever failures or obstacles that school, relationship or life has to bring. God and loved ones will be there by my side to help me through. Take strength in that.
Like my family would always tell me... "It's okay to quit, just try your best." They're all behind me.
So.. just try my best to do whatever my can. It's okay to not do it perfectly. It's okay to be average. It's okay to fail even. Just... try :)
A note to someone I have left behind Wednesday, November 06, 2013
Haven't been writing in a long while. I simply felt the need to pen my thoughts down somewhere.
Looking back on my previous post, I didn't manage to let things come to a closure then in July. I was confident that I wouldn't slip into the abyss again. It started off as just a simple desire - hoping you're happy, and offering help to whenever you needed somebody. Was it an excuse for myself? Was it a want of my subconscious? I'm not sure even now. But yes, I started wanting more and more than just friendship, I fell in love again, with your lopsided smile and your dumb antics. Yet this time, it was way worse than before. Your reciprocation was limited, you kept me in guessing games. My mind was confused, and week after week I told myself to forget you, only to find myself back at your seat again, desperate to see your smile and feel your head on my shoulder, the warmth of your hand on mine.
From the start, I knew it wasn't going to ever work out. You couldn't give me the things I wanted, you tried to love me in your own ways that I never felt was enough. Our relationship was in shambles when you left for Europe. I did many things that I should have never done, but if I hadn't, would it be any different?
You never felt like you were mine. And for someone with such a strong need to possess, I was constantly unhappy. Insecure. Unsure. Hoping to escape and cut ties between us. I tried really hard. But... I just kept going back to you. Time and time again. But each time, a little part of me dies, when I keep getting reminded that you will never come for me if I were to leave you.
I remember the last time we were talking. Us sitting on the badly vandalised tables outside studio, in a dark but dangerous corner where our course mates were constantly walking by, listening to you complain about how the assignments are crap and me just smiling, pretending to listen but just observing how adorable and quaint is your small nose, your little hands and relishing the warmth of your hands, the pressure of your head leaning on my shoulder.
I asked you if you were coming to my birthday party.
Your next word came across as a shock, yet, not exactly that much of a shock either - you never really noticed the details, never really remembered things about us.
"When?"
At that moment, my chest tightened a little, my eyes were starting to well up again.
But it wasn't enough to make me start crying again.
I smacked your hand, chiding you playfully.
Then I made up an excuse on how I need to go, my tutor still wants to see me and it was nearing 6.
We said our good-byes and I turned away and walked into my studio.
That time, I didn't turn back to see your adorable face again, as I usually would every single time.
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Minutes passed. Hours passed. Days passed.
The shadow of you has almost been wiped away in my mind. It has been replaced by a vibrant, loving image of a man who adores me, who treats me like his world.
Him and I were declared to be in a relationship on Facebook. I haven't been on one on Facebook since a year ago even though you called me your 'girlfriend'. It sounded silly to you and I remember you saying, "Since when was Facebook an official method of making someone your girlfriend?". I had agreed, but added many "but..."s... but you cut me off and changed the topic. Perhaps it didn't matter to you then, perhaps it is silly of me to think so, but there was no perhaps that it really did matter to me.
I was crazy in love with him. He made me want to hold his hand and barge into the place that I have ever found so frightful since you, that is, being in love.
During studio I spent my hours just staring dreamily at my Facebook wall which says "You are in a relationship with", feeling disbelief at the fact that this wonderful man is mine.
Then my phone rang. I looked at the unfamiliar screen of your contact picture, which my friend has set it as "Do Not", as a reminder to not pick up. Weeks before that i remember the pain even by changing your contact picture into something so disdain; I felt even guilty.
I picked up the phone, and the all-too-familiar voice that I had forgotten said, "It's your birthday in one month's time!".
I looked at the calendar on my screen. 22nd October.
You remembered.
I felt a tinge of pain - why is it that only when what you had was lost, then you only learn to cherish it?
I asked you, why did you call in an attempt to cut the conversation short, thinking that you would have no answer for it. But you replied, "Because I want to talk to you that's why I called you?". I spoke few words and ended the conversation quickly, afraid to stir up any more feelings again. I typed you a text informing you that I have already moved on, and my finger hovered for just a few seconds more before I pressed "send". I felt the familiar ache in my heart, shut my eyes tight and told myself that I will not care anymore.
You replied me with a congratulatory sentence and a "goodbye". It was needlessly dramatic.
Weeks gone by. You still popped up everywhere in my life though I was eager to cut you off - we have too many mutual friends, and Facebook was the killer.
But I'm not going to be affected again. This time, I have stopped chasing you and I have turned in the opposite direction. It doesn't matter to me that you may be close by my back, because I will never turn back to look at you again.
Because this time, it will be a real closure. An ending, the start to a new beginning.
